“So…What’s new?”
Has any question killed deep, meaningful conversation faster? Well, maybe that’s a close second, right behind “How’re you?” People are by and large modest…well, maybe not modest, but at least not filled with a kind of ridiculous self-importance. At least down to the core. Or maybe we’re all just embarrassed by the hum-drummeries of our daily lives. That’s really a question for another day.
However, when you ask someone what is new in their lives, generally I find that the conversation becomes stunted after that. And “stunted” is a generous estimate. Maybe someone will fill you in on the big, exciting stuff that you weren’t there to experience with them, but after that, they think the minutiae of their daily lives are immaterial to you or the resulting conversation. So we tend to clam up. Also, “what’s new” is a question of circles. We all believe that to be polite, if someone asks us how we are we must then, in turn ask them. So “what’s new” gets passed on down the line and because we feel the same as them about boring them with the trivialities of our daily lives, we keep our sharing part short. After that the struggle begins, especially with new people, or people you haven’t seen in a while. It’s hard to get into that easy conversational groove sometimes and just go. But I’m not writing this because I want to know how to converse better with people or because I have the answer to how to keep conversations from getting awkward. Sorry if I’ve misled you up to this point, gentle reader. No, the reason I’m writing this is because I’ve just read something that has left me with a powerful question, and I feel the need to get it out there.
I just started reading Robert Pirsig’s classic Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and within the first chapter (actually my mind was already reeling in the intro) there is a question that is simple seeming but holds wells of depth and interest. I know why we ask “What’s new?” We want to catch up and get new information about their lives so we can share in their joys, pains, jokes, and sorrows. It’s what friends and good humans do, we empathize with one another. So please don’t think I’m moron or an asshole who never asks people how they are or what is new in their lives because I’m afraid to get bored or that some awkward conversation will ensue. What I’m truly concerned about is, and this shares the same concern with Mr. Pirsig, why we don’t ask “What is best?”
People rarely concern themselves with depth and ethos in conversation, at least in my experience. I’m guilty of it too. When I’m with someone new I don’t want to seem like some kind of weirdo, so instead of asking those questions of depth and honesty, I scratch the surface because I get embarrassed. Think of how much you can share with a person and they can deliver to you if you ask them what is best. My brain is awash with a tidal pool of thought just on hearing the question. Maybe I am a weirdo, but if someone came up to me and asked me “What is best in life?” I would have two reactions. First, I would recite the line from Conan about pillaging villages and the lamentations of women, but that’s because I’m a dork. But my second, and by far preferential, reaction would probably be to hug that person for asking something true, honest, and deep. If you ask that question of someone, you really want a good conversation. You’re in for the long haul because you care about what that person thinks and feels, despite any disagreements that might arise in the ensuing word-a-thon.
The thing I think I really love about that particular question is that you can’t really answer it simply. A simple phrase response just dregs up more questions and extends the conversation further. Why’s are so crucial to life they aren’t even funny. Whoever is the first human to ask “Why” I wish I could meet them and give them a medal, a parade, and immortal life. “What’s new” is a question of what’s really, and what’s can be answered with a single word without any real need to expound or think. Whys on the other hand are brilliant questions that are like mana from Heaven. Whys make people think and evaluate, they force people to use the upper portions of their brains and to really exist on a human level. Which is why “What is best” is such a brilliant question, it focuses on whys and a depth of understanding within one’s own mind.
So, homework assignment. Next time you meet someone and you get the awkward get-to-know-yous out of the way. Once you’ve lined them up and evaluated whether or not you’re truly interested in this person, look them square in the eye and ask them “What is best?” See if you don’t get an honest view into the mind of a fellow human being. I’m willing to bet you will.
-Ryan Bell
